1st Day in the Field

27th of March… Today is the very 1st day I get myself into the community of Yogyakarta city, as a respondent towards the health issue among mid and lower class of the community. Actually, I’m kinda excited in getting myself into the field, experience how it is like to be a community healthcare volunteer, a health educator as well as a ‘temporary’ doctor. Haha~

As expected, language is the major problem I faced during my very 1st time getting into the community. I can hardly comprehend the Indonesia languages that they use in daily communication, especially Java language, which the kids that I’m going to mix with in the next 8 weeks, are using to communicate. However, for me, such a challenge is nothing but a force to keep me learning and be superior than others.

Ya, speaking about that, I received a message from the girl I’ve been mentioning in previous post, the girl that inspiring me all these while. It seems like someone has been talking bad behind me recently. Someone who does not render any help whenever required but keep complains about me to others, ruining my reputation!! I really don’t understand what benefit he’ll get for doing this kinda evil act. As a group leader, he does absolutely nothing but ignoring my existence in the group, just like my other group members. I mean, as a leader, you should at least try to get everyone helping each other, care for each other and building up the team spirit, right ? I’m not questioning about our qualification of being a leader and now, you are complaining to others that I’m not cooperating with others, keeping silent all the time and not willing to participate in group activities ? This is way TOO MUCH !! Didn’t you actually realize that I’ve been trying to get myself into this good-for-nothing group, trying to contribute something and participate in all the activities ? I guess you don’t right ? Because you never bother !! Everyone is so cocky that everything I said is useless, everything I do is wrong and my existence is never yours concern. I really sick of being with you guys who think that you are the mightiest, the smartest !! Does anyone actually pay attention on what I’m trying to do, help and contribute ? Ask yourself this question !! I have not been mentioning a word about this to others and now, you are the one who trying to spoil my image in front of others. Maybe you are smart, but absolutely not in everything. You will pay for whatever you did to me in the future. I assure you on that !!

New semester, New group, New challenges~

Well, honestly, I really have no idea what actually have I done to have deserved a group like this. It’s a total shit group with members who suck to the max !! I have been looked down, turned down and ignored by most of them who consider themselves know everything about anything. Well, I guess there isn’t a need for me to mention which ‘group’ they are belongs into as I did mention it before. They are really nothing but rubbish !! For instance, they screw up the tutorial session which is actually a session that we are suppose to discuss what we learnt and share knowledge. They, however have been making it a total nonsense, total rubbish session with barely any objectives achieved!! Every single thing they shared is nothing but the most basic thing which evens a secondary school student will be able to provide such an answer. Questions rise is just answered with a damn brief answer without any further explanations and yet, worse still denying and ignoring further explanations intended to be given by others. How the hell others going to learn with such rubbish members around ? Furthermore, questions asked for further explanations and ideas given are responded with an annoying look. Well, they do seriously think that they are the cleverest species in the world and know every single thing on earth while people who do not know certain things that they knew are absolutely idiotic, don’t they ? The most annoying part is that, as far as I know, there is one member who has been complaining to my friends that I have not been saying anything during the tutorial session which eventually will make them think that I’m useless and have not been studied for that at all !! I really feel like giving him a punch and a kick for that !! Actually how am I going to do that with all those annoying people around, denying everything I say ? What will they do if they were in my shoe ? Furthermore, I, who has always been treated as invisible all these while is yet, another ‘tool’ for them to clean up all their mess, and as well as their shit !! I’m always the first one who pop out in their mind when it comes to a time where we need to do reports, cleaning up instruments used and so on BUT my existence will never be noticed when it comes to joyful, interesting and any periods which benefit us, such as injecting drugs, measuring vital signs, having independent skills study sessions and so on. I truly pissed off with all of them who think that they are the greatest of all mankind and can totally ignore how others feel about that. Well, now, I’ll just concentrate on what I’m studying and try to acquire more skills and knowledge. I’ve signed up for a 3^rd year module where we need to communicate and educate the community about health issue on the 25^th of May and I’m the only international programme student among all the participants. I really do hope that it can bring me more knowledge about communication and as well skills improvement. I’m planning to go for TBMM (Tim Bantuan Medika Mahasiswa) where I’ll be able to acquire more skills and as well hands-on practices. If I’m capable to proceed with another activity without influencing my academic performance, I’m thinking of getting myself into TFSS – being a skills lab assistance where I’ll be able to have consistence skills training with teaching the juniors clinical skills, as well acquiring new clinical skills (one of the benefit of being a lab assistance). We’ll see how it goes……

Effort unpaid ~

Well, I guess most of we all did heard such a phrase before, right ? 90% hardwork and 10% luck is the key of study.. but I think they have left something else unmentioned, something vital – gifted !! Gifted in studies account for 50%, if not more out of the 90% mentioned. If one is not gifted in studies, there is no way for u to catch up with others who is, not to mention scoring !! I’m not whining if I’m not gifted or others but it is undeniable that talent does play a very very important role in assuring one’s achievement, especially studies. Compare to my friends, especially those JPA scholars, I have been through a real hard time on studies but the results turn out to be far worse than them, who spent times on clubbing, shopping, gaming, going for movies and so on.

From my bad experience with my agents, as well as past events, I know that there is no fairness or justice in this world. People who kill, rob, rap, cheat, and committing so many other sins don’t really seem to pay for what they did, and some, worse still, are enjoying their life, pretty much better and luxurious than those who work as if there is no day or night for them. I’m not whining on anything but somehow, I did feel helpless and hopeless, towards my study life here. I put in so much effort on my studies, more than 40hrs per week, but it doesn’t seem to help, at all!! Maybe I shouldn’t have belonged to here, shouldn’t have study with all those who are straight A1’s students, shouldn’t have taken up medicine course. Tension, stress and dull life is what I get after getting over here, in Yogya, although I really do love what I’m currently studying now, and kinda enjoying my medical knowledge gained here. But, for me, academic achievement does play an important role to keep me motivated and moving on. U know? It’s kinda discouraging and disappointing for getting to know that u didn’t do well in examinations, even it was after u putting in all u got in studies. Moreover, for me, it also does mean that I’m still not qualify enough and mastering knowledge learnt, because, exams are meant to assess your ability in understanding and mastering knowledge taught, aren’t they?

Well, I guess there is one thing I did learn and know after all these while, studying for medicine - my limit. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in, it’ll still be in vain if I were wanting to score and be like my friends, simply because of my own limitation. No one can ever break their limit, can they? Well, at least now, I know my limit. I was once told by a friend of mine : be a good medical student, enjoy the knowledge. I was once take that as a force, a power to keep myself strike for the best but now, I guess, it’s about enjoying the knowledge learnt and applying it to help others in the future, instead of getting and aiming for good result. I knew I can never be as good as them but what I can do now is, enjoying the knowledge and try what I could to help those in need. I guess that my destiny.

Process of learning..

Is it a necessity to be afraid to ask for someone’s help in the effort of boosting your achievement? I’m currently in a situation that I wanna learn more and thinking that I’m be able to perform well in Histology tests, as well as other tests and block exams with a better understanding and mastering the skill of learning, which I was once have not putting much attention to it, from one of the top JPA scholars I got to know here. I guess that it may have been the learning method I’m currently adapting isn’t the right one. However, there is a feeling that she finds it uneasy, if not abit frustrating to have to guide me on that. We are not really that close anyway, just a simple ‘hi-bye’ friend. Is it really a wise decision to keep asking her for assistance in my studies? I really have no clue on that. I just wanna be like her, being the top student with lots of knowledge. That’s my only intension for all that~

Sick of JPA students~

Have u ever come across with people who think they know everything about anything? It’s really annoying and sick to be with them, especially during studies period. Laugh at people mistakes, showing all those annoying expressions when u ask questions which they already knew the answers during practical sessions and so on, are basically what u’ll experience when studying with them. Well, questions that I ask to the instructors are stupid and not quality but questions they ask are all ‘high-quality’ huh? I just wanna say, I did pay for all that, alright?!! My parents did spent a great sum of money for me to study and make sure that I understand and able to master all the skills and knowledge needed for my future medical practices okay? So, whether my questions sound stupid or really do look stupid for u all, it is absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS !! I know, people like u all are gifted in studies and might not needing much effort to score in the exams and future undertakings but can’t u just be a little bit more considerate and care for people who are not as lucky as u do, for having gifted in studies? People have been putting all their efforts, heart and soul and trying out all the methods that claimed to be efficient in studies, just to ensure that they can do better in both their studies as well as in future practices. I didn’t expect much help from u guys in my studies but being kind and understanding are very much appreciate already. Laughing and teasing won’t help any parties but will absolutely hurt one’s feeling. U may be real smart here and know better than people like me but, never ever forget that : thing comes around goes around, who knows, one day u’ll have to work with people who is way brilliant than u ? I’ll pretty sure that u’ll be regretted for what u’ve did to others when u get to know how much it hurts by experience that yourself then…

Exam Period ~

Time flies… It’s time for my 2^nd block exam, an exam that had made me so exhausted. Of course, once again, it was due that I’ve not been studying well during my lessons week. Tons of notes and reference sources accumulated for final preparation before entering the examination hall. And yet, I’ve made myself a promise, I wanna score well in this block and this block onwards as it has been my most favourite block after all. I really can’t imagine what will happen in my future block if the one I have most interest in also can’t score. But, somehow, I didn’t get myself well prepared, do I? Haih~ really hate myself being so lazy… wonder how my life will be in later life as a doctor with such a behavior, last minute preparation !! I was once told that being a doctor doesn’t mean that you’re only required to study to pass the exam BUT FOR YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE in helping those in need in the future !! I guess somehow, I have not been qualified as a TRUE doctor, have I?

Okay… we’ll see about that later as I’m still in progress of changing my attitude ;p Now, I would like to talk about my study life during my final preparation days. It was indeed the most stressful and exhausted revision period I’ve ever been through all these year. I’ve never been studying in such a way, even for my STPM. I guess being a medical student really does make my life a total change. I still can remember vividly that I’ve been in extreme stress during my final preparation for UGM entrance test. I can hardly sleep the day before the test and I guess my body adrenalin concentration during that particular period had achieved the highest level. And I guess, this is what keeping me moving forwards all these while, especially when I’m in great depression and feel like giving up. It really took me almost everything to have entered this university, taking the course I’ve ever dreamt for. However, that was not the greatest extend of what I’ve been through as things were even ‘worse’ as I’ve been needing to study until 2, 3 and even once, 4am in the morning to finish what was scheduled to be completed within that particular day. That was indeed, really TIRING !!

I knew, as always, I deserved all these for not putting in efforts on my studies before the block exam. I knew exactly when the block exam going be held, unlike during my high school but yet, I can be so reckless on my studied !! Really unforgivable, right ? I was once received such a message from a friend of mine : Just try your best a good medical student. Enjoy the knowledge. Yup.. that’s what it takes to be not just a good medical student but a good doctor in the future as well, enjoy the knowledge !! That’s the way to improve, that’s the way to make one not to feel stress or tense in studies, because, he/she is enjoying what he/she is doing !! Well, I guess it’s time for me to turn over a new leaf, to put more effort on my studies and in the same time, enjoy what I’m studying. Who knows it will eventually turn me into a doctor with great knowledge ;p Besides, my ability to study, which is way far behind from my friends, especially those who do really need much efforts and time to spend on studies but yet able to score well, have required me to put more efforts in order to achieve my desire result. I knew, I’m not that smart and good in studies but somehow, I believe that efforts, will be able to change it !!

Totally Exhausted ~

It has been my 4^th week of Cardio-Respiratory block…. and yet, I still can’t manage to keep up with my studies. Sometimes, I really don’t feel like studying anymore… it’s of too stressful !! I wouldn’t been able to catch up with my friends, at least for now… I still, have not been a ‘real’ medical student yet. All the while when I’m trying to keep myself in fronts of books, I just can’t concentrate !! How am I going to catch up with other if this condition didn’t get better ? How am I able to be a doctor in the future if I couldn’t focus on what I’m going to do ?

It has been few months time… I couldn’t get enough rest even though I’ve been sleeping for more than 10 hours per day… My brain just keep ‘working’ and ‘working’ and ‘working’…. till I could hardly stay on focus during the day !! It in fact is killing me !! I’m a student who is having a hard time to catching up things mentioned by lectures and keep every single name of the bones, nerves, blood vessels, muscles, theories and so on information into my head and now, such a condition has worsen the situation !! I was once thought that it was due that I’m too eager on getting myself into medical school and the slim chance was the only reason keeping me restless, and thus, causing such so-called ‘disease’ BUT why it is still continuing even until today ???!! If such a condition never ‘fades’ away, it’ll be a great draws back for me….

Last Friday, which was the 21^st of November, I’m on my way for my 1^st ever in field practical. It was a task for the 1^st year medical student to implement his/her skills learnt towards to community. It was named Vital Sign Examination. What happen was, I could hardly recalled the pulse rate after measuring the respiratory rate, which is required to be done right after getting the pulse rate (or after getting the respiratory rate if you were to perform the pulse rate examination first) !! How can this happen to me ? I had made a blunder on my 1^st ever in field task !! How am I going to carry on with my journey to become a doctor in the future ??!! That’s not all, the way I communicated with them weren’t a good / up-to-standard one… I really stress out on the particular day !!

Recently, I’ve yet found that my social life isn’t that good either… I was once thought that I could live and survive here without needing any friends but I was wrong… Friends are not only vital for an aid in the academic, but also important for people like me who needs to have friends around to chat and hang out with… but, it seems to be already too late as most of them are building up bonds within them and it was not as easy as last time where most of us were hunger of friendship and could easily get along with anyone… Why am I making so many mistakes in my life here ? Am I still able to keep moving with such a situation ? I’m really doubt about that…

Besides all that… I seems to be annoying somehow.. towards my girl.. I can’t even treat her well and keep saying so silly things that hurt her feelings quite often… I really wonder if there is something that I could do it correctly ? Although she keeps saying it okay, it alright BUT it isn’t for me !! That’s not the way a guy should be treating his girlfriend !! I really suck a lot in every single thing I did here… I really can hardly imagine what I’ll turn out to be in the future ? Why am I being so useless ? Why everything doesn’t seem going in the right path all these while ???

Recently, I’ve seen a movie, named Iryu Team Medical Dragon. It was a movie about Batista operation, carried out by a cardiac surgeon with superb surgical skill. The movie was in fact a great one, especially for medical students, which inspire us to become one of the top health care staff who equip with advance medical knowledge and yet willing to do everything just to help those in need BUT not sorely to please others, such as your supervisors !! To make the movie even more suitable for medical student like me, there is a character there named Ijyuuin who is on his internship during that particular period, a process that we, as a medical student will be experiencing after 4 years time from now.. He was a intern who is not only smart but also working very hard to improve his surgical skill, to meet with the basic requirement to perform the toughest surgery during that time. I was so impressed with his determination and really wish that I could be like him one day !! But, with my ability and study habit now, I knew it will never be achieved……

Now……….. I really feel great exhausted !! There is too many things to be worked out and my way of leading my life isn’t what it takes to reach that goals… what should I do ?? I knew I must try very hard to study, to equip myself with all the knowledge I possibly could… not for passing the exam solely nor getting good result but is to help others in the future as I’ve promised myself when applying for this course… BUT, what have I did ? Sometimes, it is not that I don’t wanna study but it is simply that I’m too stress out and frustrated with what happened soon after I finish my studies – can hardly recall what I have studied !! I really feel very tire…. Very tire about all these things……………..