Totally Exhausted ~

It has been my 4^th week of Cardio-Respiratory block…. and yet, I still can’t manage to keep up with my studies. Sometimes, I really don’t feel like studying anymore… it’s of too stressful !! I wouldn’t been able to catch up with my friends, at least for now… I still, have not been a ‘real’ medical student yet. All the while when I’m trying to keep myself in fronts of books, I just can’t concentrate !! How am I going to catch up with other if this condition didn’t get better ? How am I able to be a doctor in the future if I couldn’t focus on what I’m going to do ?

It has been few months time… I couldn’t get enough rest even though I’ve been sleeping for more than 10 hours per day… My brain just keep ‘working’ and ‘working’ and ‘working’…. till I could hardly stay on focus during the day !! It in fact is killing me !! I’m a student who is having a hard time to catching up things mentioned by lectures and keep every single name of the bones, nerves, blood vessels, muscles, theories and so on information into my head and now, such a condition has worsen the situation !! I was once thought that it was due that I’m too eager on getting myself into medical school and the slim chance was the only reason keeping me restless, and thus, causing such so-called ‘disease’ BUT why it is still continuing even until today ???!! If such a condition never ‘fades’ away, it’ll be a great draws back for me….

Last Friday, which was the 21^st of November, I’m on my way for my 1^st ever in field practical. It was a task for the 1^st year medical student to implement his/her skills learnt towards to community. It was named Vital Sign Examination. What happen was, I could hardly recalled the pulse rate after measuring the respiratory rate, which is required to be done right after getting the pulse rate (or after getting the respiratory rate if you were to perform the pulse rate examination first) !! How can this happen to me ? I had made a blunder on my 1^st ever in field task !! How am I going to carry on with my journey to become a doctor in the future ??!! That’s not all, the way I communicated with them weren’t a good / up-to-standard one… I really stress out on the particular day !!

Recently, I’ve yet found that my social life isn’t that good either… I was once thought that I could live and survive here without needing any friends but I was wrong… Friends are not only vital for an aid in the academic, but also important for people like me who needs to have friends around to chat and hang out with… but, it seems to be already too late as most of them are building up bonds within them and it was not as easy as last time where most of us were hunger of friendship and could easily get along with anyone… Why am I making so many mistakes in my life here ? Am I still able to keep moving with such a situation ? I’m really doubt about that…

Besides all that… I seems to be annoying somehow.. towards my girl.. I can’t even treat her well and keep saying so silly things that hurt her feelings quite often… I really wonder if there is something that I could do it correctly ? Although she keeps saying it okay, it alright BUT it isn’t for me !! That’s not the way a guy should be treating his girlfriend !! I really suck a lot in every single thing I did here… I really can hardly imagine what I’ll turn out to be in the future ? Why am I being so useless ? Why everything doesn’t seem going in the right path all these while ???

Recently, I’ve seen a movie, named Iryu Team Medical Dragon. It was a movie about Batista operation, carried out by a cardiac surgeon with superb surgical skill. The movie was in fact a great one, especially for medical students, which inspire us to become one of the top health care staff who equip with advance medical knowledge and yet willing to do everything just to help those in need BUT not sorely to please others, such as your supervisors !! To make the movie even more suitable for medical student like me, there is a character there named Ijyuuin who is on his internship during that particular period, a process that we, as a medical student will be experiencing after 4 years time from now.. He was a intern who is not only smart but also working very hard to improve his surgical skill, to meet with the basic requirement to perform the toughest surgery during that time. I was so impressed with his determination and really wish that I could be like him one day !! But, with my ability and study habit now, I knew it will never be achieved……

Now……….. I really feel great exhausted !! There is too many things to be worked out and my way of leading my life isn’t what it takes to reach that goals… what should I do ?? I knew I must try very hard to study, to equip myself with all the knowledge I possibly could… not for passing the exam solely nor getting good result but is to help others in the future as I’ve promised myself when applying for this course… BUT, what have I did ? Sometimes, it is not that I don’t wanna study but it is simply that I’m too stress out and frustrated with what happened soon after I finish my studies – can hardly recall what I have studied !! I really feel very tire…. Very tire about all these things……………..