Thinking back~

Study, study and study… what a typical life of a medical student~ From the minute u open your eyes till the moment u get to your bed, studies, is basically the only thing that comes to your mind… Well, I couldn’t say that I’m not expecting this but it’s really the 1^st time ever in my life to have to lead a schooling life like that…….. Anyway, I’m not complaining on that as I really love this course and as so, I’ll do whatever it takes to succeed and graduated as a successful doctor~ However, what’s killing me recently is that no matter how hard I study, how much efforts I’ve put in, I’m still could hardly catch up with my friends here….. and sometimes, it really does make me feel helpless… Am I really not meant to be a medical student ??

Recently, I kept thinking about my secondary school life, especially my Form 6 life at SMK Cochrane...... about what I’ve been through, what I’ve experienced, and so on… but, what I’m focusing is – did I carry myself well and have I been a good leader and as well as a friend of others ? As acknowledged by some of you here, I’ve been given opportunity and trust from my lovely friends to have be their monitor, Scoutmaster, societies representative and so on positions during my Form 6 school life and as well, not forgetting the precious chance given by my seniors during my Form 4 life on having high expectation and trust on me to have voted me as one of the candidates for the head of the Prefects’ Board of year 2003/2004… I truly appreciate the chances and trust given by you guys throughout all these years and I really do get a lot of chances to improve my leading as well as social skills but I wonder if I do let you guys down before~

I’m not really sure on how others think about me during my years of being monitor and other designations BUT I do know that I’m not a caliber Scoutmaster, Rover Scout Leader and as well Security Chairman of Prefects’ Board… many comments rose up and I do admit that I’ve not been capable in carry out my duties as the respective designations… when I think back on how I carry myself and my duties, I realize that I’ve done tons of mistakes of which some had led to disrespect, disappointment, and even hatred of others (and some of my friends) towards me… I guess my leadership skill isn’t up to standard yet, is it? For instance, I once saw how successful my ex-assistant (who has now taken over my position) leads his troop and as well all the junior + senior scouts during the 1^st ever campfire of SMK Cochrane… His skill in leading the group really impresses me as during my days, arguments and misunderstanding (which eventually lead to lack of co-operation) often occurs… I guess my troop members did feel great disappointment on me during that particular period of time L

Why am I keep thinking back on all these things recently? Well… I myself also could hardly give an exact explanation on that… I guess it might somehow due to my life here at Yogyakarta - my life as a medical student……

Sometimes, in fact, almost most of the time, I miss my previous school life which I did enjoy my studies as well as time spent with all of my lovely friends… I do not mean that life here is real bad but just that the feeling of helpless and hopeless often torturing me~ Maybe it is just as what I’ve said early on, I’m not an up-to-standard medical student !! It is indeed depressing when you are putting some much efforts on studies but the results turn out to be worse than those who did not study as much as you do and yet enjoying their life to the fullest, ie. sleep a lot and outing a lot… No matter how hard I study, it just seems that all the efforts are in vain !! My result still way behind from them, and yet, the accompanying factors such as relatively low study ability and often difficult in concentrating on studies have yet making the condition worse… I can’t even stay up late to study as others could !! Sometimes, I really hope that I can be at least like some of my friends who are currently studying BioHealth, Law and Accounting, able to focus on studies and staying up late for studies… I mean, this is in fact the life of medical students, isn’t it ? But why can’t I do so ?

Now, I’m entering a new block – Cardio & Respiratory block, which is in fact my favourite block of all and I really do wish that I won’t make a blunder on my block assessment as well as the pre-tests and post tests… I couldn’t imagine how am I going to continue my study journey with such a condition as my 1^st block… I knew I am not as smart as all of my friends here but at least I’m able to focus on studies and maintain a good result on every assessment… All of my friends are now doing great in their studies and I really don’t wish to be left behind as it is really not a good feeling !!

Besides than studies, the fundamental qualities that should be acquired by a doctor, ie. making decision, good + effective communication skill and leadership (leader in health concerning matter) are yet draws me back from achieving my desire result… and this is somewhat to do with my previous experiences as a leader… I guess I have not treasured and made chances given to be useful~ And I guess this the reason that kept me thinking back on the past…

Well, I guess nobody can help one who can’t even help himself, right ? I’ll make my friends who are successful in his / her life now as my aim for the time being, and try my very best on adapt to my studies and achieve my desires in the future !! As what my girl and my friends have told me, I’m one step ahead to achieve my dream to become a doctor which I have always wanted to be (and so eager and enthusiastic on that till willing to keep trying + scarify whatever it takes to enter medical school) and as so, I must keep myself moving and achieve my final goal – become a competent specialist that able to heal as many people as I could… I’ll keep on moving towards my destiny !!