Exam Period ~

Time flies… It’s time for my 2^nd block exam, an exam that had made me so exhausted. Of course, once again, it was due that I’ve not been studying well during my lessons week. Tons of notes and reference sources accumulated for final preparation before entering the examination hall. And yet, I’ve made myself a promise, I wanna score well in this block and this block onwards as it has been my most favourite block after all. I really can’t imagine what will happen in my future block if the one I have most interest in also can’t score. But, somehow, I didn’t get myself well prepared, do I? Haih~ really hate myself being so lazy… wonder how my life will be in later life as a doctor with such a behavior, last minute preparation !! I was once told that being a doctor doesn’t mean that you’re only required to study to pass the exam BUT FOR YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE in helping those in need in the future !! I guess somehow, I have not been qualified as a TRUE doctor, have I?

Okay… we’ll see about that later as I’m still in progress of changing my attitude ;p Now, I would like to talk about my study life during my final preparation days. It was indeed the most stressful and exhausted revision period I’ve ever been through all these year. I’ve never been studying in such a way, even for my STPM. I guess being a medical student really does make my life a total change. I still can remember vividly that I’ve been in extreme stress during my final preparation for UGM entrance test. I can hardly sleep the day before the test and I guess my body adrenalin concentration during that particular period had achieved the highest level. And I guess, this is what keeping me moving forwards all these while, especially when I’m in great depression and feel like giving up. It really took me almost everything to have entered this university, taking the course I’ve ever dreamt for. However, that was not the greatest extend of what I’ve been through as things were even ‘worse’ as I’ve been needing to study until 2, 3 and even once, 4am in the morning to finish what was scheduled to be completed within that particular day. That was indeed, really TIRING !!

I knew, as always, I deserved all these for not putting in efforts on my studies before the block exam. I knew exactly when the block exam going be held, unlike during my high school but yet, I can be so reckless on my studied !! Really unforgivable, right ? I was once received such a message from a friend of mine : Just try your best a good medical student. Enjoy the knowledge. Yup.. that’s what it takes to be not just a good medical student but a good doctor in the future as well, enjoy the knowledge !! That’s the way to improve, that’s the way to make one not to feel stress or tense in studies, because, he/she is enjoying what he/she is doing !! Well, I guess it’s time for me to turn over a new leaf, to put more effort on my studies and in the same time, enjoy what I’m studying. Who knows it will eventually turn me into a doctor with great knowledge ;p Besides, my ability to study, which is way far behind from my friends, especially those who do really need much efforts and time to spend on studies but yet able to score well, have required me to put more efforts in order to achieve my desire result. I knew, I’m not that smart and good in studies but somehow, I believe that efforts, will be able to change it !!

Totally Exhausted ~

It has been my 4^th week of Cardio-Respiratory block…. and yet, I still can’t manage to keep up with my studies. Sometimes, I really don’t feel like studying anymore… it’s of too stressful !! I wouldn’t been able to catch up with my friends, at least for now… I still, have not been a ‘real’ medical student yet. All the while when I’m trying to keep myself in fronts of books, I just can’t concentrate !! How am I going to catch up with other if this condition didn’t get better ? How am I able to be a doctor in the future if I couldn’t focus on what I’m going to do ?

It has been few months time… I couldn’t get enough rest even though I’ve been sleeping for more than 10 hours per day… My brain just keep ‘working’ and ‘working’ and ‘working’…. till I could hardly stay on focus during the day !! It in fact is killing me !! I’m a student who is having a hard time to catching up things mentioned by lectures and keep every single name of the bones, nerves, blood vessels, muscles, theories and so on information into my head and now, such a condition has worsen the situation !! I was once thought that it was due that I’m too eager on getting myself into medical school and the slim chance was the only reason keeping me restless, and thus, causing such so-called ‘disease’ BUT why it is still continuing even until today ???!! If such a condition never ‘fades’ away, it’ll be a great draws back for me….

Last Friday, which was the 21^st of November, I’m on my way for my 1^st ever in field practical. It was a task for the 1^st year medical student to implement his/her skills learnt towards to community. It was named Vital Sign Examination. What happen was, I could hardly recalled the pulse rate after measuring the respiratory rate, which is required to be done right after getting the pulse rate (or after getting the respiratory rate if you were to perform the pulse rate examination first) !! How can this happen to me ? I had made a blunder on my 1^st ever in field task !! How am I going to carry on with my journey to become a doctor in the future ??!! That’s not all, the way I communicated with them weren’t a good / up-to-standard one… I really stress out on the particular day !!

Recently, I’ve yet found that my social life isn’t that good either… I was once thought that I could live and survive here without needing any friends but I was wrong… Friends are not only vital for an aid in the academic, but also important for people like me who needs to have friends around to chat and hang out with… but, it seems to be already too late as most of them are building up bonds within them and it was not as easy as last time where most of us were hunger of friendship and could easily get along with anyone… Why am I making so many mistakes in my life here ? Am I still able to keep moving with such a situation ? I’m really doubt about that…

Besides all that… I seems to be annoying somehow.. towards my girl.. I can’t even treat her well and keep saying so silly things that hurt her feelings quite often… I really wonder if there is something that I could do it correctly ? Although she keeps saying it okay, it alright BUT it isn’t for me !! That’s not the way a guy should be treating his girlfriend !! I really suck a lot in every single thing I did here… I really can hardly imagine what I’ll turn out to be in the future ? Why am I being so useless ? Why everything doesn’t seem going in the right path all these while ???

Recently, I’ve seen a movie, named Iryu Team Medical Dragon. It was a movie about Batista operation, carried out by a cardiac surgeon with superb surgical skill. The movie was in fact a great one, especially for medical students, which inspire us to become one of the top health care staff who equip with advance medical knowledge and yet willing to do everything just to help those in need BUT not sorely to please others, such as your supervisors !! To make the movie even more suitable for medical student like me, there is a character there named Ijyuuin who is on his internship during that particular period, a process that we, as a medical student will be experiencing after 4 years time from now.. He was a intern who is not only smart but also working very hard to improve his surgical skill, to meet with the basic requirement to perform the toughest surgery during that time. I was so impressed with his determination and really wish that I could be like him one day !! But, with my ability and study habit now, I knew it will never be achieved……

Now……….. I really feel great exhausted !! There is too many things to be worked out and my way of leading my life isn’t what it takes to reach that goals… what should I do ?? I knew I must try very hard to study, to equip myself with all the knowledge I possibly could… not for passing the exam solely nor getting good result but is to help others in the future as I’ve promised myself when applying for this course… BUT, what have I did ? Sometimes, it is not that I don’t wanna study but it is simply that I’m too stress out and frustrated with what happened soon after I finish my studies – can hardly recall what I have studied !! I really feel very tire…. Very tire about all these things……………..

Thinking back~

Study, study and study… what a typical life of a medical student~ From the minute u open your eyes till the moment u get to your bed, studies, is basically the only thing that comes to your mind… Well, I couldn’t say that I’m not expecting this but it’s really the 1^st time ever in my life to have to lead a schooling life like that…….. Anyway, I’m not complaining on that as I really love this course and as so, I’ll do whatever it takes to succeed and graduated as a successful doctor~ However, what’s killing me recently is that no matter how hard I study, how much efforts I’ve put in, I’m still could hardly catch up with my friends here….. and sometimes, it really does make me feel helpless… Am I really not meant to be a medical student ??

Recently, I kept thinking about my secondary school life, especially my Form 6 life at SMK Cochrane...... about what I’ve been through, what I’ve experienced, and so on… but, what I’m focusing is – did I carry myself well and have I been a good leader and as well as a friend of others ? As acknowledged by some of you here, I’ve been given opportunity and trust from my lovely friends to have be their monitor, Scoutmaster, societies representative and so on positions during my Form 6 school life and as well, not forgetting the precious chance given by my seniors during my Form 4 life on having high expectation and trust on me to have voted me as one of the candidates for the head of the Prefects’ Board of year 2003/2004… I truly appreciate the chances and trust given by you guys throughout all these years and I really do get a lot of chances to improve my leading as well as social skills but I wonder if I do let you guys down before~

I’m not really sure on how others think about me during my years of being monitor and other designations BUT I do know that I’m not a caliber Scoutmaster, Rover Scout Leader and as well Security Chairman of Prefects’ Board… many comments rose up and I do admit that I’ve not been capable in carry out my duties as the respective designations… when I think back on how I carry myself and my duties, I realize that I’ve done tons of mistakes of which some had led to disrespect, disappointment, and even hatred of others (and some of my friends) towards me… I guess my leadership skill isn’t up to standard yet, is it? For instance, I once saw how successful my ex-assistant (who has now taken over my position) leads his troop and as well all the junior + senior scouts during the 1^st ever campfire of SMK Cochrane… His skill in leading the group really impresses me as during my days, arguments and misunderstanding (which eventually lead to lack of co-operation) often occurs… I guess my troop members did feel great disappointment on me during that particular period of time L

Why am I keep thinking back on all these things recently? Well… I myself also could hardly give an exact explanation on that… I guess it might somehow due to my life here at Yogyakarta - my life as a medical student……

Sometimes, in fact, almost most of the time, I miss my previous school life which I did enjoy my studies as well as time spent with all of my lovely friends… I do not mean that life here is real bad but just that the feeling of helpless and hopeless often torturing me~ Maybe it is just as what I’ve said early on, I’m not an up-to-standard medical student !! It is indeed depressing when you are putting some much efforts on studies but the results turn out to be worse than those who did not study as much as you do and yet enjoying their life to the fullest, ie. sleep a lot and outing a lot… No matter how hard I study, it just seems that all the efforts are in vain !! My result still way behind from them, and yet, the accompanying factors such as relatively low study ability and often difficult in concentrating on studies have yet making the condition worse… I can’t even stay up late to study as others could !! Sometimes, I really hope that I can be at least like some of my friends who are currently studying BioHealth, Law and Accounting, able to focus on studies and staying up late for studies… I mean, this is in fact the life of medical students, isn’t it ? But why can’t I do so ?

Now, I’m entering a new block – Cardio & Respiratory block, which is in fact my favourite block of all and I really do wish that I won’t make a blunder on my block assessment as well as the pre-tests and post tests… I couldn’t imagine how am I going to continue my study journey with such a condition as my 1^st block… I knew I am not as smart as all of my friends here but at least I’m able to focus on studies and maintain a good result on every assessment… All of my friends are now doing great in their studies and I really don’t wish to be left behind as it is really not a good feeling !!

Besides than studies, the fundamental qualities that should be acquired by a doctor, ie. making decision, good + effective communication skill and leadership (leader in health concerning matter) are yet draws me back from achieving my desire result… and this is somewhat to do with my previous experiences as a leader… I guess I have not treasured and made chances given to be useful~ And I guess this the reason that kept me thinking back on the past…

Well, I guess nobody can help one who can’t even help himself, right ? I’ll make my friends who are successful in his / her life now as my aim for the time being, and try my very best on adapt to my studies and achieve my desires in the future !! As what my girl and my friends have told me, I’m one step ahead to achieve my dream to become a doctor which I have always wanted to be (and so eager and enthusiastic on that till willing to keep trying + scarify whatever it takes to enter medical school) and as so, I must keep myself moving and achieve my final goal – become a competent specialist that able to heal as many people as I could… I’ll keep on moving towards my destiny !!